Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Lately all I can do is feel. Think. Feel. There are many things up in the air with Owen. When you leave the NICU, the tornado is supposed to be over(some people call it a roller coaster but I think tornado fits much better). The ups and downs - the brick walls and drops from 100 story buildings - you think they are all behind you. It seems Owen is hitting a few more. He is doing really well on TPN. He isn't sick, he's not in the hospital, he is starting to walk, he is gaining weight. But there are still so many things up in the air. So many decisions to make. The past couple days I can't help but cry. I guess I cry because I feel like the weight of the world, or at least Owen's world - Owen's future - is on my shoulders. Owen is in no immediate danger. He is living life and he's a happy baby. But his future is so uncertain. In the next 6 months, Heath and I will need to make some pretty huge decisions that might affect Owen in a big way - or maybe not. The problem is, we just don't know.

With all of this lingering in my mind, I was contacted via Owen's Miracle facebook page, by a young mom currently in the NICU. She asked, "How do you survive the NICU?" This brought me back - back to a much different time. I began to look at pictures of Owen in the NICU. I began to think of the day to day life I led while Owen was in the NICU. Then, I came across a note I wrote. It hit me hard.
Here it is . . .

Tomorrow . . . Bittersweet
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

There is a baby in the ICN named Kylie. She is beautiful and was born on Oct 31, 2009. She was a twin but her brother, Alex, did not make it much past their birth. Their mother and I have become such close friends. Kylie has been through a lot. Her mother and I joke about Owen and Kylie being boyfriend/girlfriend :) lol

Tomorrow Kylie will get into a car seat and go home with her mommy and daddy!!!!! I am so thankful she is doing so great! Tomorrow will be bittersweet for me. I am so happy shi is healthy and gets to go home with her family. However, it just reminds me that Owen is not. I know he will eventually but he still has a long way to go. I feel bad that I feel this way. I am so happy for her parents and I want to be there to see them leave but I cried today.

I look at what I am saying and I feel horrible. I think about the times when the doctor told us "your baby will probably not come out of surgery alive" or when the surgeon said, before his second surgery, "he will make it through the surgery but he won't make it much past that". We are so blessed to have such a fighter. It could be so much worse.

So, I say this "Thank you Lord for blessing us with such a strong baby boy. Please help me to stay positive and remember that every day is a gift. We are not promissed tomorrow. Owen is not promissed tomorrow but you have given him to us today. I pray that I will remember those words every day I get to see him alive and praise You Lord for that."

Owen is now the oldest baby in the ICN. While that is hard because we have been here so long, I am reminded that we could have only been here a few hours. This hospital, this place, this place I want to leave so badly, has saved my baby and kept him alive. I will be forever grateful. I may complain about being here every once in a while but deep down I am thankful I am here with my son who will someday come home with his mommy and daddy.

I believe I need to bring myself back to this. I need to take a step back and see the whole picture. I will never stop being scared of making the wrong decision or stop being scared of losing Owen. However, I will strive to live in the moment, stay positive, fight for my son, and know that we are not promised tomorrow and we should know we are blessed with today. I think I am going to write the portion I wrote in green on my wall next to my calendar. Remember that life is precious and be thankful for every minute of it.

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