Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Haunting "What If"

So, I know I have been blogging about our disneyland trip and I will get back to that.
I just am a little side-tracked.

Owen just turned 4. Something his surgeon was pretty sure he would not see. His life is a miracle, a true gift from God. On this day 4 years ago, Heath and I were spending a couple days with Owen before heading back to Sonora for a few days. Our NICU would only allow mom and dad in the NICU. Our parents got to see him after he was born, but only for a few minutes. We were thrown into this medical world all alone. We were asking all the questions, the only ones hearing all the answers, and the only eyes on our baby boy. At this point, Owen had NEC for almost a week. Nurses had started to refuse to work with Owen and his Doctor, we didn't really know what was going on, and his doctor seemed super confident in his actions and decisions for Owen's care. We were completely confident in our doctor. We were completely ignorant.
As I think about these days four years ago, the "what if" questions creep into my mind. It hurts, I hurt for Owen. Would his life be different today had I educated myself earlier? What if I questioned the treatment? What if my mom, a nurse, could have been by our side, would she have noticed? What if we got a second opinion? Where would he be now? Could he have had surgery earlier? Would he have short bowel syndrome today if I had known he needed to see a surgeon early on?

These what ifs and questions have no answer. They mean nothing and can't change where we are today. However, I can't help but think about them when I think about that last weekend we spent with him before he was flown to Oakland. They immediately started to flood my mind as I looked at the date at the right-hand bottom corner of my computer. We can't change what has happened. It is what it is. Owen is here, alive, and happy. I am so thankful for that. I just can't help but wonder sometimes . . .

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