Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The difficult days

Today was a difficult day for me. I guess it was just an emotional day. This past year has brought many challenges I haven't been prepared for. I feel like I am in a constant thunderstorm on a small boat in the middle of the ocean. Let me just say - I am scared of thunderstorms, I hate the ocean, and I would not be caught dead on a small boat. With that aside, I am here - floating and learning how to survive.
Let me say first, I know we are so blessed to have Owen here with us. Please do not take this post the wrong way. I know what could have happened to Owen and I know it could be so much worse.
With that said, today was not a day I would like to repeat. I don't know that I can even fully explain why. It wasn't a particulary difficult day compared to some of the days we have had this year. However, for me emotionally, I can only describe it as gut-wrenching.  As a mother, you don't want to see your child go through pain. I guess seeing Owen go through so much pain on a daily basis finally caught up to my emotions.

I hate to watch Owen in pain. I feel like, a lot of the time, I am putting him through the pain. I know what I am doing is what he needs to live, however the look he gives me as I am changing his picc dressing or putting ointment on his constantly burned bottom just kills me. I can't help but feel responsible for his pain. I wish I could take it all away from him.

This day way long, filled with unexpected problems which, I guess, added to my stress and emotional state.
I appologize if this was a post about me or the way I am feeling but I can't help but feel so sorry for my little boy. I want to take his pain away!


  1. Glad that you can vent. It is important to your health to turn loose now and then. Be very proud of the wonderful care you and Heath are giving Owen (and Isaiah). Owen understands more than you realize and will be more understanding and grateful as he grows older. Love all of you. Pat and Don Chandler

  2. So so sorry you had a difficult day. I HATE the fact that we have to put our little ones through so many painful procedures. I HATE it! I guess what I'm saying is that I know a little of what your feeling. You are such a wonderful mom to your boys. They know how much you love them and will one day know everything you have done for them, especially to keep them healthy. By the way, your new banner is so beautiful. Gorgeous boys! Hope you are feeling better today.

  3. Just reading through some of your old posts and came across this one. I'm so sorry that you had a rough day...and I can't pretend to know anything about how much you go through each day to keep your little one healthy. However I DO know that this blog is a GREAT place to talk about YOUR feelings as a mother. Owen's journey is just as much a part of your journey as anything. If we didn't know how you felt, it would do Owen an injustice - because it would make your struggles and victories seem less important. So thank you for sharing.