The difficult days

Today was a difficult day for me. I guess it was just an emotional day. This past year has brought many challenges I haven't been prepared for. I feel like I am in a constant thunderstorm on a small boat in the middle of the ocean. Let me just say - I am scared of thunderstorms, I hate the ocean, and I would not be caught dead on a small boat. With that aside, I am here - floating and learning how to survive.

Let me say first, I know we are so blessed to have Owen here with us. Please do not take this post the wrong way. I know what could have happened to Owen and I know it could be so much worse.

With that said, today was not a day I would like to repeat. I don't know that I can even fully explain why. It wasn't a particulary difficult day compared to some of the days we have had this year. However, for me emotionally, I can only describe it as gut-wrenching.  As a mother, you don't want to see your child go through pain. I guess seeing Owen go through so much pain on a daily basis finally caught up to my emotions.

I hate to watch Owen in pain. I feel like, a lot of the time, I am putting him through the pain. I know what I am doing is what he needs to live, however the look he gives me as I am changing his picc dressing or putting ointment on his constantly burned bottom just kills me. I can't help but feel responsible for his pain. I wish I could take it all away from him.

This day way long, filled with unexpected problems which, I guess, added to my stress and emotional state.

I appologize if this was a post about me or the way I am feeling but I can't help but feel so sorry for my little boy. I want to take his pain away!